This is all new to me.

There's this guy. I guess I'll call him a friend, although he's more of a friend of a friend. He's part of this group of folks I associate with, and he wears so many hats, so to speak, that I could have predicted the giant clusterfuck that eventually occurred. He's my friend's business partner, and close friend, and he started dating this friend's BFF. Guy and BFF got pretty serious, and moved in together. Then Friend and Guy (who are business partners, remember) decided to bring BFF into the business as well. So if you're following along, we have three individuals - two ladies and a dude - who are all in business together, close friends in real life, two of whom are in a romantic relationship, and they party together all the time. Sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me, but ... that's how it goes. There's the back story.

Anyway. This guy always struck me as a little disingenuous, but I just chalked it up to him being a salesman. I was shocked to recently learn that this guy is just an absolute snake and pathological liar. Without getting into even more excruciating detail, I'll just say that he royally screwed over his business partner AND girlfriend, doing things that were illegal, immoral, shady, and just fucked up in general. Yesterday, I learned just how deep all of this stuff runs, and it's just...it's like a movie. Truth is stranger than fiction and all of that. This guy has screwed up all his relationships and his entire life with such magnitude, I can't even imagine a resolution beyond him moving to another state and starting over. (And actually, I think that was part of his plan, before it all blew up in his face.)

Obviously, all his close friends are disappointed and angry, and feel betrayed and used. I feel a little of that too, for a completely different reason. See, when this guy and I did occasionally hang out and party together, we had several conversations that led me to believe that, disingenuous or not, he was a man of faith. He was one of the first people I looked to who helped me get my head around the notion that yes, I can be a Christian, and still be a normal person. He was one of the first Christians I knew who wasn't judgmental, or "all or nothing." I can honestly say that he at least partially influenced me to commit myself to my faith. So, as  ridiculous as it sounds, I am super disappointed that he has turned out to be such a complete fuck. I'm not so naive as to believe Christians - any Christians - are perfect. Hypocritical, secret behavior among holier-than-though Christians is what drove me away from the church in the first place. So I was happy and relieved to meet this guy, and find that there could be a balance - that I could be a follower of Jesus and still drink beer and watch Family Guy. Y'know? I know it's lame of me to hold him to any standard at all - he's human and he's gonna do stupid things like anybody, but, damn. 

So, I'm processing that a little bit. I know, like I said, that I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed, but I am. 

So THAT'S what coffee tastes like.

Well. One of the things I'd sort of like to do is give up artificial sweeteners. I say "sort of" because I don't WANT to give them up at all - I LOVE Diet Dr. Pepper, and I LOVE Splenda in my coffee. However, I keep reading about how shitty it is and how it's slowly killing all of us, and how it inflames arthritis pain, and how it actually sabotages your diet efforts. So, there's that. Today, I had my coffee without Splenda. I still used my full-of-chemicals creamer, though. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Happy New Year!

It hasn't been an awful year, but I'm still excited to move forward with that awesome fresh-slate feeling that New Years brings!

Gettin' Ready!

As I prepare my post-holidays shopping list, I'm sooooo excited to stop eating total fucking crap and start eating clean and healthy again. I'm seriously thinking about starting Weight Watchers again, although it'll have to be my own version of WW for two important reasons. Reason #1: I am broke as a joke, and can't even begin to afford the seventeen or whatever it is bucks a month to use the tools on their site. Besides, I have heard excellent things about LoseIt, My Fitness Pal, and SparkPeople. I'll just play around with the free shit.

Oh, and Reason #2, the IMPORTANT reason: Weight Watchers sucks now! I had SUCH good luck when it was plain ol' Weight Watchers with Flex Points and it was easy to figure out the points for any food item. When they changed things up a little over a year ago, making fruit free, and upping the points for everything else, I just could not get my head around it. I didn't have very good luck at all and I ended up just canceling my account after a couple of months. At first, I thought it was just ME, but damned near everyone I've talked to tells me a similar story. I'm sure lots and lots of folks are having amazing luck (I've seen the Jennifer Hudson commercials, thank you, especially the latest one where she's singing a duet with her former, fat self) but it just wasn't for me, sorry.

Whatever I end up choosing, I'm going to make sure I eat a lot of real, actual food. I've thought things over and I've decided that I'd rather have just a couple of BITES of something and enjoy it, rather than dive into a meal that tastes like ass. (Those horrific "green enchiladas" made with salsa verde and fat free cheese come to mind. ::shudder::) So, yeah. I can get behind eating ONE SLICE of actual bacon every now and then, if it means I never have to eat turkey bacon again. Go to hell, turkey bacon. Nobody likes you!
www.nataliedee.com

2nd Topic: Internal Struggles - Guilt vs. Anger!

I struggle with depression. It's something I've battled pretty much my whole life, and it's gotten to where I can begin to see the signs that I'm sort of taking a turn. For the past decade or so, my depression has sort of manifested itself in me as apathy. It's like my give-a-shit meter expires. The other way it manifests itself is in being completely overwhelmed by how to manage my life. These two things together create what is essentially a GIANT DOWNER. Duh. I mean, it's depression, not a Spongebob marathon. (Although, some would view THAT as a giant downer. Those people can suck it, because Spongebob is amazing.)

ANYWAY. Getting to my point. In recent years, I've been able to say to myself, "Self, it appears you're heading into a depression. I can tell by the way you've stopped shaving and started eating Snickers bars for lunch." Usually I can get things under control before I need a total intervention. THIS TIME, however, things are different. I'm still feeling a little apathetic, but I'm also feeling COMPLETE FUCKING RAGE a lot of the time, which, despite my many bitchy blog posts, is pretty foreign for me. I am a happy-go-lucky chick. I'm mellow, I let things go, and I don't freak out over the small stuff. So it's been hugely confusing for me to suddenly feel like punching people in the throat. That ain't me. Or at least, it wasn't me. It is now.

So here's where I'm at. I'm feeling...okay. Just okay. Not happy, not sad, just...there. OR, I'm feeling sad, guilty about not being a better wife/mother/homemaker/insert role here. OR, I'm feeling like TEARING THIS FUCKING PLACE APART. The other day, I had to literally will myself not to accelerate and rear-end the car in front of me taking too long to go when the light turned green.

That leaves me three emotions:

1. Numbness
2. Sadness and Guilt
3. Absolute fucking RAGE.

I'm familiar with the first two, we're tight like that. This third thing, though. It is throwing me for a loop and a HALF, man. I really don't know where to go from here.

First Topic: Uppity Bitches.

I am so over it, y'all. I never realized, being the mother of daughters, that I'd be dealing with so much drama. I mean, I expected drama FROM my daughters, because we all know how little girls are, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the women who are polluting my very LIFE. These women, who run the Girl Scout troops and the PTA, and the classroom parties. These moms, in their Ugg boots and their SUVs. The hardcore vegans who slug down wine all night. The ones who run the prayer chain, so they can hear all the inside gossip under the guise of "lifting people up." These moms, who smile and wave, and then talk shit about you before you're barely out of earshot. THESE MOMS, who are raising THESE GIRLS.

These girls, who walk around the playground in packs, shit-talking about all the other girls in the 3rd grade who aren't wearing the right kind of shoes. Am I SO old and antiquated, that it would seem foreign to me that THIRD GRADERS have abandoned the playground in favor of chillin' on the grassy knoll? These girls, who perfectly imitate their mothers through their words, gestures, and body language. These girls AND these moms who vilify anyone who isn't a cookie cutter carbon copy of every other suburban female, with a Bump-It in her ponytail.

I never thought it would be so damned difficult to raise up my children to be friendly and confident, and to value their own uniqueness as well as the differences that make each of us awesome and special. I see my kids becoming jaded because they've been picked on SO MUCH for petty things that shouldn't matter, and it's largely because these asshole mothers lead their girls by example, teaching them exactly how to be snotty, backstabbing bitches, starting in preschool.

And don't even get me started on the pussy husbands who put up with this behavior, sometimes even ENCOURAGING it. What? What is it? It's like I've stumbled into some strange, foreign tribe of dickbags, who don't practice the same social rules that normal people do. I'm normal, right? Right? It's normal to want to live your life without drama and bullshit...RIGHT?

Is there an app for that?

If I could only convey to you, dear internets, if I could only CONVEY TO YOU just how often I stand in my shower, sit behind the wheel, or lie in bed at night constructing blog posts that NEVER MAKE IT here. So often. So often that I feel like I'm finally just FULL, and about to spill over, if I don't open my mouth (or let my fingers fly, actually) and get some of this OUT of my head. Why can't I just bluetooth connect my brain and my iPhone and update my blog that way? Because that would make things easier, fo sho.