Tuesday, November 1, 2011

2nd Topic: Internal Struggles - Guilt vs. Anger!

I struggle with depression. It's something I've battled pretty much my whole life, and it's gotten to where I can begin to see the signs that I'm sort of taking a turn. For the past decade or so, my depression has sort of manifested itself in me as apathy. It's like my give-a-shit meter expires. The other way it manifests itself is in being completely overwhelmed by how to manage my life. These two things together create what is essentially a GIANT DOWNER. Duh. I mean, it's depression, not a Spongebob marathon. (Although, some would view THAT as a giant downer. Those people can suck it, because Spongebob is amazing.)

ANYWAY. Getting to my point. In recent years, I've been able to say to myself, "Self, it appears you're heading into a depression. I can tell by the way you've stopped shaving and started eating Snickers bars for lunch." Usually I can get things under control before I need a total intervention. THIS TIME, however, things are different. I'm still feeling a little apathetic, but I'm also feeling COMPLETE FUCKING RAGE a lot of the time, which, despite my many bitchy blog posts, is pretty foreign for me. I am a happy-go-lucky chick. I'm mellow, I let things go, and I don't freak out over the small stuff. So it's been hugely confusing for me to suddenly feel like punching people in the throat. That ain't me. Or at least, it wasn't me. It is now.

So here's where I'm at. I'm feeling...okay. Just okay. Not happy, not sad, just...there. OR, I'm feeling sad, guilty about not being a better wife/mother/homemaker/insert role here. OR, I'm feeling like TEARING THIS FUCKING PLACE APART. The other day, I had to literally will myself not to accelerate and rear-end the car in front of me taking too long to go when the light turned green.

That leaves me three emotions:

1. Numbness
2. Sadness and Guilt
3. Absolute fucking RAGE.

I'm familiar with the first two, we're tight like that. This third thing, though. It is throwing me for a loop and a HALF, man. I really don't know where to go from here.

First Topic: Uppity Bitches.

I am so over it, y'all. I never realized, being the mother of daughters, that I'd be dealing with so much drama. I mean, I expected drama FROM my daughters, because we all know how little girls are, but I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the women who are polluting my very LIFE. These women, who run the Girl Scout troops and the PTA, and the classroom parties. These moms, in their Ugg boots and their SUVs. The hardcore vegans who slug down wine all night. The ones who run the prayer chain, so they can hear all the inside gossip under the guise of "lifting people up." These moms, who smile and wave, and then talk shit about you before you're barely out of earshot. THESE MOMS, who are raising THESE GIRLS.

These girls, who walk around the playground in packs, shit-talking about all the other girls in the 3rd grade who aren't wearing the right kind of shoes. Am I SO old and antiquated, that it would seem foreign to me that THIRD GRADERS have abandoned the playground in favor of chillin' on the grassy knoll? These girls, who perfectly imitate their mothers through their words, gestures, and body language. These girls AND these moms who vilify anyone who isn't a cookie cutter carbon copy of every other suburban female, with a Bump-It in her ponytail.

I never thought it would be so damned difficult to raise up my children to be friendly and confident, and to value their own uniqueness as well as the differences that make each of us awesome and special. I see my kids becoming jaded because they've been picked on SO MUCH for petty things that shouldn't matter, and it's largely because these asshole mothers lead their girls by example, teaching them exactly how to be snotty, backstabbing bitches, starting in preschool.

And don't even get me started on the pussy husbands who put up with this behavior, sometimes even ENCOURAGING it. What? What is it? It's like I've stumbled into some strange, foreign tribe of dickbags, who don't practice the same social rules that normal people do. I'm normal, right? Right? It's normal to want to live your life without drama and bullshit...RIGHT?

Is there an app for that?

If I could only convey to you, dear internets, if I could only CONVEY TO YOU just how often I stand in my shower, sit behind the wheel, or lie in bed at night constructing blog posts that NEVER MAKE IT here. So often. So often that I feel like I'm finally just FULL, and about to spill over, if I don't open my mouth (or let my fingers fly, actually) and get some of this OUT of my head. Why can't I just bluetooth connect my brain and my iPhone and update my blog that way? Because that would make things easier, fo sho.