Tuesday, November 1, 2011

2nd Topic: Internal Struggles - Guilt vs. Anger!

I struggle with depression. It's something I've battled pretty much my whole life, and it's gotten to where I can begin to see the signs that I'm sort of taking a turn. For the past decade or so, my depression has sort of manifested itself in me as apathy. It's like my give-a-shit meter expires. The other way it manifests itself is in being completely overwhelmed by how to manage my life. These two things together create what is essentially a GIANT DOWNER. Duh. I mean, it's depression, not a Spongebob marathon. (Although, some would view THAT as a giant downer. Those people can suck it, because Spongebob is amazing.)

ANYWAY. Getting to my point. In recent years, I've been able to say to myself, "Self, it appears you're heading into a depression. I can tell by the way you've stopped shaving and started eating Snickers bars for lunch." Usually I can get things under control before I need a total intervention. THIS TIME, however, things are different. I'm still feeling a little apathetic, but I'm also feeling COMPLETE FUCKING RAGE a lot of the time, which, despite my many bitchy blog posts, is pretty foreign for me. I am a happy-go-lucky chick. I'm mellow, I let things go, and I don't freak out over the small stuff. So it's been hugely confusing for me to suddenly feel like punching people in the throat. That ain't me. Or at least, it wasn't me. It is now.

So here's where I'm at. I'm feeling...okay. Just okay. Not happy, not sad, just...there. OR, I'm feeling sad, guilty about not being a better wife/mother/homemaker/insert role here. OR, I'm feeling like TEARING THIS FUCKING PLACE APART. The other day, I had to literally will myself not to accelerate and rear-end the car in front of me taking too long to go when the light turned green.

That leaves me three emotions:

1. Numbness
2. Sadness and Guilt
3. Absolute fucking RAGE.

I'm familiar with the first two, we're tight like that. This third thing, though. It is throwing me for a loop and a HALF, man. I really don't know where to go from here.

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